Beansprout
by Lena-luvs-cats
Summary: "How could you?..." she whispered. "HOW COULD YOU EAT ALLEN!". In which the people of the Black Order cannot tell the difference from Allen and beansprouts, save for the very irritated Allen himself and the poor finder who was unlucky enough to get caught up in this mess. Crack fic.
***whispers* heeey kitties, wassup? I should be on hiatus right now but this scenario has been itchin' at me for days, and I couldn't help but type this up at midnight. Surprised my mom hasn't confiscated my computer yet. Sssshh you never saw me...**

 **Disclaimer: D. Gray man belongs to Katsura Hoshino**

 **Enjoy~**

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Beansprout

Neil Olsen was a young man at the tender age of twenty-three, as well as a relatively new recruit in the organization known as the Black Order in the form of a finder, after having lost his fiancée in an akuma attack some while back. Only fresh out of training, he had yet to meet any of the exorcists that he may accompany in the near future. But, he would meet some soon enough.

Currently he was in the cafeteria of the European headquarters to eat his lunch. Neil was very surprised at the diverse variety you could order, as well as the overall eccentricity of the head chef here by the name of Jerry.

"Hi~ What can I get for you, hon?~ I can make anything you like!~" he cooed. Anything, huh? Neil pondered for a moment, before deciding he'd like to have some foreign food for a change.

"Um, some Chinese food sounds nice to try. Surprise me." Neil said, the lilt in his voice hinting at his Norwegian origins.

"Oh, I believe I've got just the dish for you! Now just wait a moment, hon~"

Neil waited by the side until Jerry called him over and handed him his tray. On it lay several dumplings and some egg rolls, with a side dish of beansprouts.

"Ta-da!~ Enjoy!~" Neil voiced his thanks before heading over to an empty spot at a table among the rest of the finders and chowing down on his meal.

He was in the middle of enjoying his beansprouts when an ear-piercing scream rang out in the cafeteria. He looked up, and across from him was a young girl of Asian descent staring at him with eyes filled with horror. Ah, that uniform, she must be an…

"Is there something the matter, Miss Exorcist?" Neil asked in concern for the girl in front of him who looked close to tears.

"H-how could you…" she whispered.

"Huh? What did I—"

"HOW COULD YOU EAT ALLEN?!"

…

"Hah?"

"Lenalee! What happened, what's wrong?! We heard you scream." Two older teens, also exorcists by the looks of it, a redhead and another one of Asian descent ran over to the distressed girl.

"I-it's Allen… Th-that finder is…" she hiccupped, pointing a shaking finger right at Neil. Both boys turned towards him and their eyes widened.

"H-holy hell!" the redhead cried. "A-allen!"

Suddenly Neil found himself with a very sharp katana at his neck. "You." it's wielder growled. "Just what is your motive?" The Asian exorcist narrowed his eyes at him.

"M-m-my what? M-motive? I-I—" Neil stuttered, fearing for his life. The redhead was glaring down on him as well.

"What do you plan to achieve by eating Allen?" Everyone seated around him suddenly got up and backed away from Neil, and waves of 'How could he?', and 'What a cruel man', and 'The kid never deserved anything like this', and last but not least, 'Poor Allen…' rippled through the crowd. That name! Just who was Allen and how was he supposedly eating him?!

"I-I'm sorry, but I don't k-know any Allen but…" he tried to explain, but was ultimately cut off by the exorcist wielding the katana at his neck barking at him to shut up. The girl exorcist was in tears, and soon others joined her.

"He was so kind," she cried, "why would you do something like this? To Allen?" She continued to sob as the crowd mourned for their fallen friend.

"…Um, guys? What's going on?" Neil, who was near tears himself as he was still at knife-point, whipped his head towards the voice in desperation for a possible savior. He saw yet another exorcist, the youngest one yet, who had a mop of white hair and a strange pentacle marking adorned on his face.

The crowd continued to wail about Allen, and how he was 'eaten'. The boy made a face. "Eaten? What? Guys, I'm right here!" His protests continued to go unheard until a lady-finder raised her head, eyes still streaming tears. The boy sighed in relief. "Finally! See, I'm alright, I didn't get eate—"

"KYAAAAA!" the lady-finder shrieked. "I-IT'S A GIANT, TALKING BEANSPROUT!"

' _WHAT?!'_ both Neil and Allen screamed in their heads. The others started looking up and they too started screaming and panicking at the presence of a 'giant, talking beansprout'. The redhead exorcist stepped forward and confronted the boy with arms in a blockading manner in what Neil assumed was protection of the crowd.

"Be gone!" he shouted, eyes fierce. "Be gone, I say! Back to whatever vegetative land you hail from!" Eeehhh?... Neil _really_ had no idea what was happening right now.

The boy exorcist continued protesting, saying "What are you talking about?! It's me, Allen! I'm not a goddamned beansprout!", but the crowd wouldn't have it, continuing to try and banish the 'beansprout', yelling at it to 'let them mourn Allen in peace'. The boy become increasingly agitated and finally just blew up. "YOU GUYS WHAT THE HELL?!"

Poor little Neil was still very scared and confused with the situation, and now very concerned for the sanity of the mass majority of the Order's personnel. He had just wanted some lunch!

Just what the hell was going on?

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 **And scene!**

 **I regret nothing.**

 **Thanks for reading and please review.**

 **'Till next time,**

 **Au Revoir!~**


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